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Steroid Day


As all of you know I take steroid treatments each month. Every month things are different and Steroid Day is always an adventure. March 19 was the day this month.

It started as normal. The clock rings at 5:30 but it doesn't motivate me. It does however wake up the dog. He comes over and licks my elbow until I wake up. That's his signal. It's time to Pee-Pee. THAT'S MOTIVATION. Just the thought of him having an accident on Becky's new carpet gets me moving.

Meredith, it's time to get up dear.

With the dog safely outside, I proceed to the life saving shower that opens my eyes. Still groggy from the hour I proceed to put shampoo on my wash cloth and lather up my body. I finally realize my mistake as I was rinsing the Dial soap out of my hair. Oh well, my head is now squeaky clean.

Meredith, you have to get up now.

On my way to let the dog back in, I pass a zombie. That's really Sean. He is aimlessly walking around the house with a bowl of Apple Jacks in his hands, mumbling to himself. The dog is happy to see me. My kids are not morning people.

MEREDITH, GET OUT OF BED!

I woof down a bagel and suck up a cup of coffee as I watch Sean slowly walk into a wall. I check voice-mail, feed the animals and turn off the electrical appliances in preparation of departure. I walk through the house turning off lights and stick my head into the back bedroom one last time.

Meredith, dear, we are leaving now. Don't get hit by a truck as you walk to school, dear.

As normal, Sean and I sit in the car for ten minutes or so. I sip from my go-cup and read a report as Sean passes out in the back seat. Presently, a little girl appears walking across the carport. She has one eye shut, carrying one shoe, dragging her backpack, with a brush stuck in the left side of her hair and a piece of bread between her teeth. Yes, I see the future, eight going on eighteen.

(I went off to see the Wizard and boy did I get Oz'd.) The steroid experience begins with welcomes and good to see you from almost everyone. They like me. I don't scream when I get stuck, I don't pass out, and I'm covered by two insurance policies. Then they begin to search for a vain. It's kinda like playing Where in the World is Carmen Santiago? because steroids blow away vessels. Today I was luck. They plugged me on the first stab and open the valve to max.

For a frame of reference, you would get 5 mg of steroids to treat an injured knee. I get 1000 mg directly into the blood stream. The effects are interesting. First you feel cotton growing from the top of the inside of your head down to the ears. Your bladder says 'something weird is going on.' Your heart goes pitter-pat, pitter-pat. Then you get the taste in your mouth of rusty nails. Your whole head begins to look like a bright red cherry. As I drove to the office my body began talking to me and to itself.

Hey, what did you do to me?
THIS IS KINDA COOL.
I don't know if I like this.
ALL RIGHT AMIGO, LET IT ALL HANG LOOSE.
Do you really know what your are doing?
DAMN I'M HUNGRY. PASS THAT CAR!

At work I always get a lot done right after steroids. However, there can be a downside when you deal with people. Today it so happened I had a customer visiting. The conversation when something like this.

customer: We would like S-A to ---- me: NO PROBLEM. WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED. But that means S-A will also have to ---- IT'S ALREADY IN THE WORKS, SO CHILL OUT. Your people told me the resource wasn't available. SO, CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE? Can I depend on delivery by ---- WE'LL GIVE IT TO YOU TWO WEEKS SOONER.

The customer left thinking S-A was better than grits. That's the upside. The other S-A people still haven't closed their mouth. They are use to me taking over but not in quite this way. Tomorrow I've got to tell my boss what I signed up to do. That's the downside.

The rest of the day went about the same. In the evening I was still wired. I even made dinner with an entry of southern fried taters and onions. The Internet takes on a new magic as I browse the world. The dog and I talk about Dole vs. Clinton but he keeps falling asleep, the dog that is.

Around 2 AM I realize I have to get up at 4:30 to take Sean to the Bus since he is going on a school trip. I say to myself, What the hell. TIME TO BAKE COOKIES!

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