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Visiting the Dermatologist

For the past four months I have had a rash or something on my ..... uh ..... private areas. I have attacked it with soap & water, a blow dryer, underwareless days plus various ointments used by ladies and kiddo's with similar problems. All this has been to no avail. It is a persistent little bug with no regard for one's sex life.

Finally I had an appointment with a dermatologist. He listened closely as I described my affliction. Dr. Dermo responded, Well, let's take care of this but first let's move to another ROOOOOOM. As I followed him down the hall, I contemplated his pronunciation of 'room' and the glint I saw in his eye.

We entered the 'room' and my attention was drawn to a padded, adjustable table just in front of me. Hanging over it was a mechanical arm which I can only describe as a miniature crane anchored into the wall. Attached to the crane was something that looked like a ray gun from Star Trek. Across from the table was a cement block wall with bullet proof glass looking over the table and behind the wall were various control panels. Dr. Dermo instructed me to Hop on that table and DROOOOOP your pants. I began to think I should have tried herbal tea before seeking professional help.

I rolled on my side away from Dr. Dermo, exposed, if you know what I mean. I could hear him mixing something in a bowl ..... and humming. My 'cheeks' were spread wide and a cotton swab dripping with his concoction was used to paint the inside affected areas.

My thought was 'Is the Pope Catholic?' but I replied, It's OK.

I rolled onto my back. My other private part sought refuse by shrinking to it's smallest possible size, but it had no hope. Dr. Dermo clamped down on the head and stretched it to the full length. It too was coated with the mystery mixture.

Again, Does it STINGGGGGG?
Again, It's OK., I said in my high pitched voice.

Then Dr. Dermo said, Let's shed a little light on this subject as he rolled me on my side. My cheeks were spread. He tells me to Hold it open wide and SMILE as he aimed the ray gun at my most modest area. Dr. Dermo hop-skipped behind the cement block wall and I heard buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz from the device hanging from the crane. I said to myself, 'Is this really happening?'

I flipped on my back. The ray gun was targeted at one terrified small sentry. Dr. Dermo hands me my thing by the tip and says, Now you hold this up and twist it back and forth ..... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... back and forth. This is getting a little weird and then I hear the buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

Dr. Dermo, will this make the hair fall out?
Nope, but it will shrivel you up like a prune, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

I say to myself, 'Yep, this is really happening.'

As I am dressing I am given a variety of creams, ointments, non-written instructions and told to take a salt bath twice a day. (?)

Uh, Dr. Dermo, pardon but what is a salt bath?

Well my boy, it is the dermatologist's best therapy, tried and true over time. Take a pan of warm salt water and sit in it for 10-15 minutes. Then take a large glass of salt water, put your thing in it, and stir it around for 10-15 minutes. That will for sure dry things up. Think of it as stirring a pitcher of very dry martini. HA,HA, HA, HA, HA.

Now I ask you, how am I going to explain this treatment to my family when I do it tonight?

Addition to the Tale

The initial treatment was a success. The rash disappeared but after a couple of months it came back. So, to Dr. Dermo I go.

After being escorted down the hall and into the 'room' again. The nurse asked, 'So what can we do for you today?' I explained that the same rash had returned. The nurse's eyes grew to the size of saucers as she looked at me in disbelief.

'It's back?' as she began backing out of the room. 'IT CAME BACK?' as she backed into the hall. Then she turned and began to run down the hall screaming, It's Back! It's Back! Oh My Gawd, THA RASH IS BACK!!!!!

Almost immediately Dr. Dermo's head popped around the door. With a Cheshire cat grin he acknowledged me.

It came back didn't it? Hee, Hee
The RASH is back ain't it? HA, HA, HA
I knew it! I'm always right.

I knew it would reeeeeeturn! HA, HA, HA, HA."

His head was followed by his body as he entered the 'room'. His white lab coat was in a flurry. His eyes ablaze. His claws were reaching toward me.

DROOOOOP your drawers and get on that table. Lets NUK that sucker GOOOOOOD this time! I'm gonna FRY it like bacon.

Blasted by his forceful directions I followed directions quickly and went through the routine again.
Hold it to the right!
Hold it to the left!

Uh, Dr. Dermo, will I still be able to use it?

His head popped out from the protective block wall,
Do Bill and Hillary have a monogamous relation? HA, HA, HA, HA. Been wait'n to use that one all week.

I did not laugh.

I say, I say it's a joke Boy-e, a joke.

I still did not laugh.


I do not think he ever answered my question but continued with the NUKER machine operation. It was about this time when I noticed the hair falling off my arm. Dr. Dermo rushed around the wall.

Now roll over and give me a BIG SMILE.

How humiliating.

He grabbed the ray gun and began aiming at one area then another.
I've been practicing with Duke Nukem. I'll get every one of those pesky Rashes.
Dr. Dermo went behind the wall.

Powwee! .................. Zap! .................. Zip! Zip!
POW, POW! ...................... Boom! ............................ Zinggggg!
BOOOOOM!!! ........................... All done!

How Humiliating.

As I got dressed I felt tiny chunks of charred skin collecting in my underwear. I glanced in a mirror, in Horror! I seemed to glow and my haircut was changed. I looked like Edward Siccerhands on crack. Slowly I turned to Dr. Dermo.

Nice touch ain't it, and we don't charge for the New-Do.
Now grease up twice a day and call me in a month if it comes back.
And who knows, since you are now a veteran I might let you use the machine and help me treeeeeate another patient. Fun, what? Yes, Yes.

Zoom, he was out the door. Over his shoulder I heard him say, Don't worry about your family. I will have my nurse give you some Bio-Hazard stickers for you to ware on your back.

Well readers, I hope there will be no more additions to this tale.