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The Big V

Well, the latest MS attack is over and I have almost got back to full power (but I'm dragging it out as long as I can so I can play with my computer rather than work). This latest round was the last message and with the biological clock ticking, Becky and I decided it was time for the BIG-V. For those of you who haven't experienced this adventure, read on with interest.

First there was the shopping for a chopshop by phone. The normal questions, like;
What's involved?
How long will I be down?
Will you bill the insurance company?
Is there a warranty?

I decided on the next to lowest bid which included free sperm counts and a six month preventative maintenance plan.

Following detailed instructions from a lady I will refer to as Wonder Nurse , I found the office. It was a couple of streets off an expressway access road, in a warehouse complex behind Texaco, in a building at the back of the complex, on the back side of the building, up a walkway beside the trash dumpster, and through a door marked only with a number: 12.

The first thing I hear upon entering is NEXT!, from no one other than the Wonder Nurse. Of course the first thing is paper work and on the top is a consent form. Since I didn't know these people from Jack, I read the fine print. One possible side effect noted was brain damage. I have heard of guys who think between their legs but I never took it seriously. Through the air I hear once again, NEXT!

I turn in the papers. The Wonder Nurse says,

How would you like to pay for this procedure, sir? We take American Express, VISA, MasterCard, Discover, Dinner's Club, Rich's, Best Buys, Macy's, Shell Oil, BP, Exxon and you can make installment payments at a low rate of 26%.

After some negotiations she agreed to accept cash but I had to show her my driver's license.


They give you a list of Postoperative BIG-V Instructions to read while you wait for 'tha Doctor'. Some of these tips I gotta share.

Number 2 -
Elevate the scrotum with a towel and place ice on top of the scrotum for as long as possible. Gentlemen, believe me, this ain't kinky and is not recommended as diversion on a Friday night at home alone.

Number 4 -
Packing gauze pads, foam rubber, or a towel around the scrotum and wearing three to six pair of undershorts will greatly relieve pain. Try putting a pair of pants over that!

Number 7 -
You may be able to feel a lump above each testicle. We're not talking about lumps the size of BB's but rather like your FISTS.

Number 8 -
You may resume sexual activities whenever you wish. Yea, Right, as soon as my wife gets home.


You even get goodies to carry home. I got a sippy cup that was labeled on the outside with A Stitch in Time Saves Nine .... Months. You also get a cup to bring back your sperm sample. This sample cup would hold a half gallon of milk. My immediate fear was that I would have to fill it up before coming back, and where would I keep it?

In walks 'tha Doctor'. Are you my NEXT! victim?

I pause. -- No, I was just passing through. Why do you think I am sitting here naked from the waste down? I am not PeeWee Herman.-- I am assured there is no pain, just a little pinch. Then, STAB with a two foot needle. SLICE with a machete. My left one compresses to 1/3 its size and screams out, MA-MA!


'tha Doctor' is gone and the Wonder Nurse comes to visit as I lay there with a piece of paper across my mid section and blood soaked gauze between my legs. Now that wasn't so bad was it? My first thought was 'Does a bear shit in the woods?'

I receive my cherry sucker and smiley face sticker as the Wonder Nurse says, How did that jingle go?; Chop, Chop, Snip, Snip, oh what a relieve it was. Now don't you come back any sooner than two weeks with your sample. It's important to get all them bad spermees out of your system.

I depart and from over my shoulder,


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