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Miserable Mildred

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

'On a woman,' the doctor said, 'your heart would be just below your left breast.'

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.


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Lincoln vs. Kenndy

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.


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Dry English Wit

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. 'You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?' The Englishman replied, 'Very sporting of your mother.'


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The Perils Of Living Dangerously

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

'How'd you die?' the first man asks the second.

'I froze to death,' says the second.

'That's awful,' says the first man. 'How does it feel to freeze to death?'

'It's very uncomfortable at first, 'says the second man. 'You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if your sleeping. How about you, how did you die?

'I had a heart attack,' says the first man. 'You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.'

The second man shakes his head. 'That's so ironic,' he says.

'What do you mean?' asks the first man.

'If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.'


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Getting a Free Day

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, 'How many grains of sand are in the beach?' Needlessto say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, 'How many stars are in the sky?' and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, 'Here's this week's question,' Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, ' Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?' Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, 'Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!'


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The Car Was Stolen

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you lad?'

'Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!' the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, 'Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It was at the end of this key.'

About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, 'Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?'

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans 'OHHH GOD... they got me girlfriend, too!'


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Sister Mary Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K and said, 'Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy.'

'Sister Mary Katherine,' exclaimed Jack, 'I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!'

'Oh Jack,' she responded, 'it's only for the Mother Superior.' Her voice dropped. 'It helps her constipation, you know.'

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered.

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, 'Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!'

Sister Mary K. didn't miss a beat as she replied, 'And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit!'


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Club Member

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. 'He's not my husband,' she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. 'He's not my husband either.' She says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. 'Wait a minute,' she says. 'He's not even a member of this club.'


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The Lost Gravy Ladle

An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.'

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, 'Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?'

The priest said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote:

'Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.'

Several days later, a letter came from the Rabbi. It read:'Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper,and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.'


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Medical Professionals

At a medical convention, a male doctor, and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doc asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says 'I bet you are a surgeon'.

She confirms and asks how he knew.

'Easy, you're always washing your hands'.

She then says 'I bet you're an anesthesiologist'.

Male doc: 'Wow, how did you guess?'

Female doc: 'I didn't feel a thing'.


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Yankee

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, 'So where y'all from?'

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, 'I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition.'

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, 'So, where are y'all from, bitch?'


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